random thoughts of a tapered brain

Archive for September, 2010

…T.G.I.F…

tgif smurf

Its back to writing TGIF, and since I have to be up and about working in a few minutes, I will keep it short and sweet.

IM EXCITED ABOUT..

Finally I got published. My 1st by-line after enough months. I guess that was the highlight of the week. Went back to my University yesterday after 10mnths or so and DYaaAAM, lucky bastards!!! #opticalnutrition.

Unlike many guys, I miss my campus days. Not too much to worry about back then; now the bills are too many!!!!

TODAY IM FEELING..

Is it Friday already? This is one week that could have gone on and on for all I care. Still psyched up!!

WHAT I’M LISTERNING TO..

Bruno Mars – Just the way you are

Maroon 5 – Misery

Yeah, it a mild rock week for me!

THIS WEEKEND..

I really need to go home; the windy city – Nyeri. But, work again screws up my plans.

Don’t have net in the house since jana #fuckacceskenya so lazima niftafute plot.

Swimming maybe –it’s been a while.

CRAVING..

Some potato salad my roomie’s gal made for supper this week.  Thank God for girls who can cook  STRANGE SWEET STUFF from equally strange recipes.  (dede, your an kitchen goddess)

Too bad no pics…..

I WISH..

I wish guys would read this blog.  Diasporadical are doing it big!!

Could the media silence this Koigi guy with his NEGATIVE ETHNICITY talk? I think that’s all the bloke writes about.  He keeps on going and going and going and going like the energizer bunny.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK..

Politicians have a talent in saying stupid things and some have perfected the art.

In the run up to the recent by-elections (not bye elections @martha_karua), Ndolo said “my people have been by my side giving me confidence”. Well, sir, they give you support. From this you derive confidence.

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…ROMPING ROONEY SCORES AT HO(m)E…

the showdown

Last weekend was one of the few times I sit down and watch more than half of all EPL games on show. Soccer I guess is my release. Yeah, I know booooring. But those who know the spins and twists that come with that inflated leather skin know what I’m talking about.

So yeah, I watched as Arsenal was sent to slumber and the smile I wore only told half of the story. I remembered what happened to Manchester united the previous weekend and I was like Karma is a RELIABLE biatch!!!

Then behold the derby! Usually, to lay my anxieties to rest before such games, I call up my pal supporters from the opposing team and give them a word or a thousand – all in the thrill of the game.

I only happen to know 1 UNFORTUNATE Liverpool supporter, so he got it all.  FRANCIS YOU ARE LOST!!!!

And when that deranged Webb blew the final whistle, I resumed using oxygen as opposed to adrenaline.

AND COULD SOMEBODY BREAK MALOUDA’S, DROGBA, ANELKA’S LEGS……FOR THE LOVE OF SANE SCORE LINES….IM TIRED OF THIS…

Anyway, when Wayne “Shrek” Rooney’s name flashed on the lineup screen, all I could think about was the brouhaha his co-curricular activities have elicited.

I have repeatedly said that if you happen to be a celebrity with tendencies of fucking up, then Europe is probably not the best place to live. The journalists there are ruthless. They will stop at nothing when it comes to ripping “wrong-doers” apart.

The SUN is particularly notorious in dishing out bile, only stopping when the pulse screen goes flat.

A headline after Shrek’s expose on his horizontal engagements with prostitutes was something close to “Rooney finally scores at Home”.  What!!! The guys at that paper have brains for brains. Connecting his misfiring past in the premier league with this was a stroke of genius.

But looking deeply into this issue, I am not an advocate for escort services but surely, why do these revelations surface ages after the actual deed.

Why don’t we ever hear the Tiger/Cole/Rooney prostitutes coming out in the open the morning after these guys requested their “services”?

After a year or two one weepy and supposedly remorseful call girl pops up, armed with liters of tears are box of tissue telling of the celebrity’s night activities in unflattering detail.

It’s at this point that a collective aura of righteousness descends on all her colleagues and they all disclose themselves. All that’s missing now is a good script writer, lighting and a director who can turn it into an award-winning movie.  With initial “DENY DENY DENY” counters from the accused, the saga goes soap opera-ish.

My unfounded suspicion is that these ladies are pure BLACKMAILERS.

After a while servicing these rich celebs, they realize that they are sitting on a gold mine and the 1500pounds per night is enough given the big fish she just bedded.

“I want a better payoff or I swear I will rat you out” must have come in conversation as poor Rooney laid there savoring the moment.

In the end, it’s the well-know guy who gets admonished for engaging in “evil” behaviors and for being a terrible example to society.

Well, with such positions in society, I agree that the Tigers’ and Rooneys’ of this world have a duty to society to put more effort in hiding the fact that they are human and try push an “angel-like” persona – which they are not.

What about the prostitutes? Why are they roasted as much as the celebs?

As much as these guys involved in philandering habits should be named and shamed, I wish a day will come when the weeping call girls will be put in their place too.

romping roo


..SHE WANTS ME..

Nice to meet you,


How are you and how is your work? i hope that all is well with you, My name is miss mirian, i know that you may be suprise how i get your email, i got your email today when i was browsing looking for honest partner,then i feel to drop this few line to you , and  i will like you to contact me through my email so that we can know each other and exchange our pictures, and we maybecome partner.

Remember the distance does not matter what matters is the love we share with each other.

i am waiting  to hear from you soon.

kiss regards Miss mirian

how this filtered through to my work E-mail is still a mystery, but woo-hoo, i got a secret admirer/STalker…*jumpin’ jumpin’*

I will let it slide that her grasp of English is a tad on the negative side and that i haven’t seen her yet, but she wants us to be partners and share pictures – that’s all I read!!!

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SCHUPID WOMAN!!!


…MY TWO CENTS RANT ON FACEBOOK…

I have had thoughts of doing a rant post, but something keeps coming up and well, I repeatedly shelve the idea.  I better land this plane now that I’m done with work for the day- I wish all days were like this!

And in non-pioneering fashion, I will pick on our favourite addiction; Facebook.

This isn’t a race

I have always taken issue with guys who always give you that judgemental look every time you churn out a joke or statement you read on Facebook. “Aki you’re an addict…”

My issue with such peoples is that they on Facebook too. Why bring somebody to task over eating their cake in one huge gulp, while you clear the same damn thing in slices. And last time I checked nobody gets a medal for using Facebook the least, just as well the “addicted” ones get nothing. If you are interested in swimming, deep your ass in the deep end is a befitting philosophy here.

Would you leave already?

Nothing strangles my patience more than those guys who go all 24-timer on their imminent departure from Facebook. I so wish more than two people cared.

Nobody coerced/enticed you into joining so why go all “I will be leaving Facebook at 6pm today” on us. The limited number of comments that your status’ (pl : statii??) attract should be enough clue to hit the deactivate button ASAP.

Tilted photos

Just had a nostalgic moment going back to when we used refer to photographs as snaps. Good ol’ days!

Anyway, why do people upload photos bent on straining my eyes? Things get nasty if I’ve taken a couple of non-water beverages and my cousin – who claims to own eyes specially conditioned to pick out beauty – is flipping through an album for our “optical nutrition” needs.

There’s nothing sillier than brothers all tilting their heads in synch at the computer screen trying to catch a glimpse of mothers nature blessings.

But one could argue that they are your photos, and you reserve the right to blah blah blah. Oh, well you do bring forth a valid point. This is why on behalf of strained eyes we tender our…

Humble request; if you know your photos are worth a second glance, please make use of the rotate button on Windows Picture and Fax Viewer. Please.

Chat

I’m not an avid fan of Facebook chat – I loathe it – since I happen suffer from mulitaxcomplexis; the inability to ably do two tasks simultaneously with impressive results.

My defence – I’m a man. So when the pop sound (that I love too much) goes off five times in quick succession, all my RETREAT alarms go off.  Siwesmake na sii kwa ubaya!

Direct messages and wall posts that I can patiently read and reply to are a better alternative. And honestly speaking, there are some people we all do not want to chat with but just happen to be our pals on Facebook.

Note to Mark Elliot Zuckerberg: please come to our rescue and introduce the “invisible” option on our chat windows.  It’s the only way some of us will stop being called snobs. I speak for a sizeable crowd – I hope.

Yahoo, GTalk and MSN have it. Why not Facebook?

Please steer clear of the notifications, like button and the homepage and engage you guys in constructive value-adding tweaks.

Internet is bad

Ok, more like it can get really nasty. It’s a bitchy being dressed in pretty clothes.  Snoopy Trojans hide in one closet and phishing software in another. Throw key-loggers into the pot and its one big messy dish.

My point you ask?

Why on earth are people so curious to find out about their seven deadly sins? We live them!

Another that went viral a few weeks ago was the one inviting guys to see meaty-gaga in the nude. Why don’t you just wait for the next Video Music Awards? I bet she will eventually run out of ideas and appear in the nude.

Its self-defeating to complain about guys hacking into your Facebook page – and posting insults to your family and friends- then you expose yourself to spam soon after cursing the culprit on your status. Before you wish death on the hacker’s pet squirrel, steer clear of fishy, inviting stuff.

The old saying if the deal is too good, think twice should be the soundtrack playing when the next “click here to see Madonna and Gaga steam it up” starts filling your Facebook timeline.

Name changes

This one may not go down well with many people i know, but for the love of everything sweet, get a grip people!!!

It’s tough enough chatting with more one person, but if I’m spending half of the time trying to decode who you are since your name resembles a Russian operative, then snob is my first name.

But I guess this will just go down as another of the many rants floating around the net, and since Facebook is personal then “John Pap Makmende Sehemu Nyeti” is here to stay.

Assassination of vowels

I used to be an unconscious culprit of this until something ridiculous almost snuck into my CV. Then I started the slow process to “seeing the light”. Blame it on my healthy texting habits.

But seriously where did all the vowels go? Wht hpnd 2 al th buldng blcks of vocab? Who killed our set of five letters?

They were just zapped out of our language and as much as it seems harmless at the moment, the habit slowly engraves itself into people’s mo.

Some updates are just plain hard to comprehend. It’s like reading 50cents tweets; the guy is really bad with the queen’s language – as in “smack him with a dictionary bad”.

So soon, in a move resembling that of Stewart and Colbert’s huge announcements, I think vowel-loving citizens should join me in the “Rally to restore vowels”.  Date, Venue and Time of the event will be provided in due course.

Please carry a placard bearing your favourite vowel.

AND PLEASE STOP TAGGING PEOPLE ON PICTURES THAT: Have nothing to do with them, their family, friends or favourite pet. All they do is fill up our notifications tab with comments that mean zilch to us. Same applies to when you “like” somebody’s political status and the comments slide into a flirt session.

It’s nothing personal, It’s a rant………


…Park51…

I have had more sober longer weekends; I think that Terry Jones is insane and that Kanye West looked like a red human version of Rudolf at last night’s VMA’s.

The idea of two parties back to back is not to be repeated anytime and is not for the faint-hearted. Now my day will drag on like a bad song as I curse every moment that I sipped the devil’s drink.

It’s just morning and I am having thoughts of flying beds and 6” duvets; Monday’s are indeed a terrible way to spend a seventh of your life.

Anyway, let me write the day away!

Thank God for crescents and the notoriety for being sighted towards the end of the week. To my Muslim pals, thanks for the generous helpings of food.

I had a point in all this ramble; I have followed the ground zero mosque fiasco with such passion, from the refreshingly detailed TIME magazine articles branding Americans as Islamophobics to the downright silly jabs by Jon Stewart.

The project named Park 51 proposes to build an Islamic cultural centre near Ground Zero – the site of the 9/11 bombings. Anyone who has followed the row in the past few weeks will agree that caution; reasoning, modesty and rationality have left the building and replaced with emotions, bigotry-laced arguments. Americans will look for any reason to hate you.

PARK 51

“Islamic extremists” have for ages been the excuse used by many to silence the voice inside that tells yells “practice fairness and tolerance”. In Christianity, the teaching is about loving your brother and sister regardless.

Why should we love the people who kill in the name of religion; a religion I do not subscribe to in the first place? What did Kenyans do to deserve the August bombings? The answer to the last question is – Nothing!

Luke 6:27-36

[27] “But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, [28] bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.

[29] If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic.

[30] Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back.

[31] Do to others as you would have them do to you.

[32] “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ love those who love them.

The above is supposed to be a universal baseline. The point where some people will easily verbally round-up a certain section of people, and proceed to sacrifice those on the altar of select deviants is beyond me. It’s even more shocking when it comes from the same institution tasked with spreading the word of God. This is an antagonist to the “one rotten mango in a basket destroys the rest”.

The actions of Christians in America showing up with dogs at a mosque while people are praying goes beyond what building is being built where. The practice of using foul play to counter a wrong done to you leaves us with two sets of people in the wrong. Dogs, just like pigs are not not soooo loved by Muslims in case you dint know.  The so called aggrieved and the so called “better-religous” group should practice what they preach.

Pastor Terry Jones is one of those individuals I like referring to as a waste of functioning organs. Now he decides that burning the Koran to mark the 9/11 anniversary is the best deal-breaker needed to settle the Park 51 issue. And yet people ask why some Muslims loathe Christians? Take a look at the mirror sir, it’s because of people like you.

You give Christianity a bad name, and coming from somebody who is not the best example of “godly”, you must have really outdone yourself. Such a move cannot be sufficiently condemned using the limited adjectives I have at my disposal. So I this dreadful, despicable, appalling, silly, outrageous and gross will have to do for now.

terry jones

Such behaviours are just “below the belt” as the crimes the extremists’ are accused of; so what’s there to separate the two?

“Burning of another’s religious book“is the 1st chapter in the book of “how not to resolve a standoff”! if at  all the Christians were the superior religion, as they claim, why not use other diplomatic methods that don’t involve fire? The stuff that has been dug up about Imam Rauf and his wife is amazing.

Americans baffle me all the time; they will go all CSI on you if they want to pin you down. The Imam, who was liked by the community prior to this mosque proposal, has been linked to all but the devil himself. He is supposedly being financed by Iran and that he is linked to Al Qaeda too.

And as Jon Stewart says, the lack of proof to substantiate the claims makes the allegation just that, an allegation.

My take; Religion is one of the most personal things to mankind. The whole concept behind religion is not tangible; we believe in things that we do not see. It’s based on faith. When i was born, I was biased to become a Christian since I found my family living that life. This cycle has been going on for ages before I came into being. And to say that one is superior to the rest is missing the point.

It’s not a darn contest and people should concentrate on their relationships with their God instead of trying to outdo another. You don’t get point for saying that Hindus are inferior. You do not gain points by eyeballing the bearded Imam as he leaves the mosque. Go do your thing!

The good words in all holy Books are followed as a matter of belief. Belief that they are the direct communiqué from the Most High. And if anybody took the time to scrutinize them, they will always find something they find suspect.

My Muslim pal for instance can’t grab the concept of speaking in tongues and loud praise and worship songs. I cannot for instance understand why Allah would create the pig and then command you to keep off it. It’s his creation after all. But, that’s why we go to different places of worship weekly and celebrate our religious holidays differently.

Respect and tolerance, which I’m sure are recorded in all Holy Books, should not be accorded lip service.


…TGI *EID* FRIDAY…

THANK GOD ITS FRIDAY

Banners with “Thank God it’s Idd” are a bit tricky to find, plus my Photoshop skills are more than wanting. I decided to run with the usual ones.

I AM EXCITED ABOUT

The fact that I did not sag too much under the burden of work this week is a good thing. The human body has a threshold and I don’t like poking mine.

In other forums, i have really milked the one thing that is on top on my week’s list; Vampire Diaries returns from a long hiatus. Episode 1 of the second season aired yesterday and Pirate no.1 (yours truly) has already downloaded + watched it. Efficiency is a disease!! #vaincomment .

I have never been big on vampires and sharp teeth, and most definitely high school love flicks are not my cuppa tea, but there’s something about VD.

TODAY IM FEELING

….grateful to crescents!!!!!

Ok, on a serious note, I wish all my Muslim pals a blessed Eid Mubarak. May Allah abundantly bless you all as he has done during the Holy Month of Ramadan.

eid mubarak

If you do not have Muslim friends, pole. Leo ni mimi na pilau na biriani !! So Mwalimu, Alawi and Saudah, im on my way there!

THIS WEEKS JAM

I had a weird retro moment on Tuesday when I went classical up in this @#$%&. And it all started with listening to the William Tell Overture (I loved that programme, especially the camera work).

So after listening to enough versions of the same song (piano, guitar, violin, band) it gave way to the Beethoven, Mozart and its was classic for the rest of the day.

Classical music is amazing, but just like soul music; I consume it in spaced-out, calibrated doses.

Here are some of them…..

THIS WEEKEND

I have a feeling that I will have a terrible hangover on Sunday morning, but feelings come and go – let me lie down and let it pass. Seeing that my weekend has already started (I know you wishing you had my job) let’s just say, so far so good – it only get better from here.

If you know what I’m talking about, marinate your liver in distilled water for now; terrible liquids await you!

IM CRAVING

Anything my Muslim sisters and brothers can cook up, I’m craving that. I’m a bit biased towards the ol’school Pilau (I know, I know its cliché, tried and tasted, but my tongue craves what it craves. I once went to Serena hotel and everybody was shocked that I picked NDUMA over some honey-coated, sugar-sprinkled baked stuff. Yes, I picked that purplish tuber! What can I say? I’m different? I love healthy?

So as far as I’m concerned, the diet today can be sinia of well-cooked pilau and a glass of water.

pilau - just to make joliea jealous

just another for the sake of it

I WISH

…that human beings accorded with leadership roles in their lives should realize that these are not personal achievements but they owe a duty to guys under them.  They have a duty to manage stuff appropriately, offer direction after flexing their brain muscles and the rest will fall in place. This is to rationality and maturity in leadership!

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“Nicki Minaj sounds like an asthmatic mouse in a helium rich environment reading from Foxy Brown‘s rhymebook.”         Diasporadical you just killed it……..

So there you have it, for Kim, Oscar, and Waigwa, guess who is in bed typing this out while you sweat it out at work, constantly staring at the clock, wondering why 5pm looks like a decade away? ME!!!!!!!

ENJOY YOUR WEEKEND MY PEOPLES!!!!


..SHOCKING FINDINGS : AIR FOR BRAINS…

When scientists are not busy loitering in rodents’ guts and chloroforming the poor animals, or when they are not involved in conjuring ways of transforming sheep into genetically potent animals with two sets of skin, they make very mind-shattering (literally) discoveries.

Last week, one of the country’s leading research institutes that specialises in animal brain performance tabled a report that can best be described as a history-altering, blindness-curing, cats-changing-into-dogs, finding! A fullu-fullu verdict! Ka! (Lillo if you read this; let out a hearty one!)

They report asserts that Politicians heads are so vacant, that whenever they speak, the IQ of all people in a radius of 200m dips by 20points.

brain freeze

The research was necessitated by several consecutive spates of openly-aired ignorance and stupidity laid out to dry by a section of the country’s MP’s.

It has been sponsored by several NGO’s who had received several complaints from watu mashinani level who have complained of bouts of migraines coupled with “random acts of stupidity” immediately after public rallies. It’s as if someone stole their brains! Ha!

use your brain

The donor’s to the project were furiously motivated to double their contribution to the research firm after the Minister for Public Health recent defence for the proposed exorbitant, excessive, outrageous, despicable NHIF contributions.

The learned professor could not wrap it around his education-watered brain what all the brouhaha was about. If he earns Ksh800, 000 and is going to a Ksh2, 500 lunch at Serena Hotel, why should he be unwilling to contribute an extra Ksh66 per month?”

Why can’t you relate to this oh ye poor earthlings! Caesar does not do begging; he just takes- that’s just how he rolls!

If the findings are to be believed, then the Minister is free of blame for something that he is evolutionary negatively predisposed towards; reasoning and logic. So could the chiding and insults stop! It’s like blaming a toddler for soiling his nappies; what did you expect?

A senior representative at Brain Freeze Research Institute Mr Kichwa Kibov said at the tabling of the findings “it’s an empty reality, a true black hole in my career. Finding out that all along them had air for a brain is really sad”.

This reminds me of the day the new cholesterol-free BlueBand margarine was produced. These guys have been oiling me with the unhealthy stuff all along? And they knew it? I have fed on that stuff for decades…Dang! I guess as is he case with the politicians, reality has finally taken a huge bite at fiction!

He explained that in their research they were well equipped with brain scanners and sensors that they placed on the MP’s and a random group of Kenyans who volunteered in the unprecedented research.

They also had frequency sensitive metres that detected the shifts in waves and calibrated them in terms of strength and direction of motion. It’s pointless to overstate that it pointed to a uni-directional pattern with the volunteers at the losing end of things.

Mr Njoroge, a volunteer had this to say. “nilishikwa na kisulisuli kila wakati mbunge aliponena. Sijawahi hisi mwili wangu hivo tena. Kichwa kiliuma pia pindi tu alipofungua mdomo wake.”

So there you have it guys. Hitler had a point; super races are necessary, that race is us ; the non-politicians.

idiot circulation

I leave you with these quotes;

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys

The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.