random thoughts of a tapered brain

Archive for May, 2010

…RANDOM MENTAL CHATTER..

Its 5.45 in the morning. Im all chilly, heading straight for the Thika road snarl up. Its always there, never disappoints! So this driver decides to go all deejay mode on us. He flipped through all available stations pausing once in a while to sample the tunes. im sited there thinking. “At last a matatu that dares break the matatu rule no.1”. Playing classic fm till 10am- im impressed. (There’s a point in here somewhere. relax). The killer was when he shifted from Uptown radio to VOA. You read right, VOA, that archaic station filling up the airwaves. No wonder my favourite reggae station is experiencing interference!

End result; not much of music this morning folks, tujaribu tena kesho –silly human. And now to the point. Strangely enough, this days anything nauseating quickly nudges my though process to the ongoing constitution making process/debacle. It’s all a viscous cycle of noise, accusations, counter-accusations, insertions and colours- even before we settle on one topic/station, another pops up. The just had to insert those two hideous words. Really?

I had a dream last week, I woke up and the referendum date had come and passed. We had a new document in place. A clean debate-free document that was acceptable by all. Dreams…hmm..i should go easy on the number of blankets I use- must be the cause of all this utopia-like nocturnal thoughts.

But surely, why does politics in Kenya have this bitter aftertaste that lasts for eons long after? Why do the so called leaders appear to have slept through their management 101 classes? Do these guys have any idea that the country indeed has individuals who see beyond their thinly veiled wananchi-directed deeds? Have to leave for the club now…………to be continued after Madaraka…


B.P OIL SPILL HAS OSAMA JEALOUS..

In a new video that is light on his usual threats but heavy on admiration, Osama bin Laden admits that he is “professionally envious” of oil giant BP’s massive oil spill, saying that it puts his efforts to create destruction and chaos to shame.


“There are times in an evildoer’s life when one has to stand back and admire a job well done,” Mr. bin Laden says in the video.  “BP, you blow me away.”

The Al-Qaeda mastermind adds that his first thought upon seeing BP’s spill was, “Man, I’ve got to step up my game.”

Mr. bin Laden claims in the video that he rarely feels envious towards other evildoers, but says he likes “to use that energy to push myself to be the best terrorist I can be.”

As for the envy he felt after seeing BP’s handiwork, the madman says, “I haven’t felt this way since the whole Toyota thing.” … lol..


…TRULY AND PROUDLY KENYAN..

Kenyans are a peculiar lot. Michael joseph truthfully (i believe with no malicious intent) uttered the words, and we all jumped for his jugular.we bayed for the C.E.Os blood.
I put it to you that the man had done nothing wrong,just stating tried and tested facts. I hear the truth shall set you free.
The truth,especially when served as a cold dish may be unpleasnt to chew.
We are a proud country,we all say Amen! when the phrase ‘najivunia kuwa mkenya” is floated around.
Iv not had the blessing or pleasure of visiting a foreign country,but im sure that some habits,traits n mannerisms are uniquely Kenyan!!! Some,sadly,just like the H1N1 virus,do not discriminate based on country.
Lets sample some mannerisms we encounter or practice.
Iv just been beeped…THE HELL!!! what does a flash mean?are you lost and need my help? are you bored and a “flash” of genius inspired you to believe the green call button luks appealing and in need of a press?do you want to talk to me?whaaat!!
All of us have been victims.. Some beepers are so split second accurate that the phone hardly rings,it just lights up,and just as it preps to ring,it gets stopd in it tracks. Like getting the seat yanked away from beneath you as you prepare to sit..Dang!! Please call me’s are milder,but if overdone,they are equally nauseating.

Ever entered a matatu,and the multitude inside is amazing!! looks like a YES/NO congregation or gathering. Humans packed in a metal contraption.
The only reason i would have so as to jump in, is if it was the last matatu to heaven!!! Claiming the matatu drivers are pure evil yet we fund their habits.Nourishing them each day..why get into an overloaded jav? Why share a seat with the unruly conductor and still pay full fare??

Ever wondered why we complain of a corrupt govt. U would be forgiven for thinking someone hypnotized us and picked our leaders for us..you are dead wrong! We woke up in the ungodly hours one 27th dec morning,rushd to our voting stations,and with millions of pen strokes led ourselves to the slaughter. Were now stuck in sinking sand..i here this vision 2030 is code name for elec 20% maji 30%..

Ever entered a mat and the bloke to your right is shouting ‘a hot story’ to his pal sitted to your left..the salivary missiles gliding past ua nose is little of your worries. Atleast, he should have a non-flexible relationship with his toothbrush if he knows he cant keep shut-mouth in the matatu..
Keeping with the topic,i swear the old geezer Michuki is heaven sent,he may live in some hallowed calm estate along kiambu road(detached from normal way of life) and has enough fuel guzzlers at his disposal,but he slightly feels our feeble cry..our quest for a less noisy enviroment..when did the matatu become a mobile church?when i want to pee,i visit the loo,when im hungry,the kitchen is my first stop..when i want to listen to the pastor….i go to church..mr. Mobile preacher,did u ask for my indulgence in your 15min sermon usually discharged in a loud crazy bellow..i have rights,sir..i thnk your bellowing on one of them..my right to a peaceful ride to town!!!!

Why hold the crusades in a populous eastate,there are kids and parents craving for some peace and quiet after a strenous day..bars that play loud music late into the ungodly hours the night should be closed down pronto.
Why do we bribe or take them?who taught the boys in blue that life without bribes is unbearable. Greasing of the hands has become comonplace. We claim we wouldnt do it,but when faced with ‘special” circumstances,we reach for our wallets. Giving the cop some ‘chai’ to induce selective amnesia when you used the wrong lane,when you need some paperwork fowarded pronto,when you need to ace a hard exam!this aint unique to us kenyans, Nigerians are giving us a run for our money in this area.
Remember this…’hii lori ya mafuta imeanguka ni baraka’ ‘ile lori ililipuka,ilikuwa na petrol,hii ni ya diesel’ tomahto-tomayto!!! Is it called the mob stupidity syndrome. Ths kenyans descending on an overturned oil tanker,akin to vultures zeroing in on a carcass. They wrap caution,value for life,reason,and the elusive common sense into one huge ball and kick it out the window. In its place,pure refined greed creeps in.. highway to disaster!! They say some people never learn,i think that that English saying was sampled from this breed of kenyans. It should have read “some ppl never learn,even when blown up!!”

Keeping with the bizarre,my tribesmen (truly meru) were recently caught on camera hunting down a hippo that strayed into their farm. Poor being ws skinned before it could scream ‘my bad,sitarudia!’ and the ‘hunters’ carried away their loot to a thankful family. Dont people fear food poisoning.(and the poverty fall-back line is tattered already) I hate being coersed into visiting the loo. I prefer going to the tiny office by choice. Stomach aches in my books are only rivalled by tooth aches. One thought of tummy rumbles,and it will keep me away from any funny looking foods,let alone stray hippos and elephants. But thats just me!!
Its only in kenya where we fear cops and robbers in equal measure. Either of them showing up at your doorstep at 10pm isnt a kodak moment. Just means something is about to go down! Cops are meant to be on our team.so much for wishful thinking!!
Thats just a drop in the ocean. This piece dosent even begin to scratch the surface of our mannerisms,behaviors etc.. This just marks the end of my random thoughts f


…3 CHEERS FOR THE PLACENTA PARTY…

i wrote this a while back…thought id resurrect it for your viewing……..

The moment I have been waiting for is nigh. My chance to choose an outfit, whose vision I believe in. Behold my party. Behold, the Placenta Party of Kenya. Before you all brand me bonkers, exercise temperance and indulge me as I explain myself.

The genesis of my defence is directed to the proponents of this political outfit. Nimrod Hellon Onyango and Esther Arunga Timberlake nee Arunga. These two citizens of our beloved country thought it wise to use a name that conjures up thoughts of the birth process as their party name. They dared to tread on Kenyans’ conservative and religious sentimentalities. Quite a bold move if you ask me. I admire people who flex their confrontational muscles. For this, if anything, they score highly on my sheet.

President Hellon and Vice President Arunga. I must admit I just can’t wait for this. Let me draw a mental picture of this projected scenario. An eloquent, metrosexual leader whose love for huge words is overwhelming. Sample his code name crub nebula while his campaign is Vendetta Supa Nova. To deputise him will be a former telecaster who was inches away from kissing celebrity status hello. A lady known for her beauty, lovely voice and the talented ease with which she read the news. Contrasting this with the current situation at State House, all I can say is BRING ON 2012!

For once Kenya would be led by a man who understands the importance of personal grooming. Hair glo gel will be in vogue once more. A president born in the saxophone era but has managed to embrace bling and perfected the culture down to the carat. A lady Vice whose fashion sense is impressive with flawless makeup and hairdo to ice it all. Trend savvy Kenyans must be nodding their heads in agreement.
For style, the president in waiting Hellon, he scores an A. He resides in the prestigious Runda estate. He plays a saxophone people…a SAXOPHONE!!! The only guy who floors him in this sector is the Madagascar deejay president. After a public speech, I’m sure he will gladly show off his skills. As for soft drinks, the two steer clear of local brands. They have cultivated a love for Pepsi. Daring to be different!!!

If you’re still too stubborn to accept that this is the party to roll with, I have two names for you: Sarah Palin and Larry King. My new found party has managed to secure a visit from this two Americans. Larry’s interview show on CNN is a must watch for me. It is of the reasons why I need satellite television at my humble abode urgently. This guy has hosted hundreds of the so called VIP’s. And my leaders have managed to secure him, to come cover him, without seeming to break a sweat. They seem to have all the relevant numbers in their phone.

After just a few weeks, they two are showing promise in the political game. One, you have to be slavish to mastering the fine art of double-speak. Arunga quit her media job claiming she was underpaid. Later on, she sued the same media for Ksh 30 million. While on the same huff and puff, she attempted to haul her parents to court claiming Ksh 300 million in compensation for their unwarranted concern. Weeks after claiming she was not getting married to one Quincy Zuma Timberake, the same happened. (In prison?) all this sets the stage for future pronouncements like “I was misquoted”, “my political opponents want to besmirch my character”……Way to go Esther.

To arrest the risk of shoving my party down your throats, I beg to halt my argument. I hope that the Placenta Party of Kenya has acquired new members. We assure you, we are the party to be in, change you can count on.

I leave you with the wise words of of our party leader in defence of the political name.“Our country is going through a gestation period. We are in our first trimester. A time is going to come for labour and we will push and push hard. Kenya is going to give birth. We will go from the bondage of Egypt to Canaan


….TGIF…….FINALLY….

….ohh…cant this day just end..i need a drink..and whats with people labelling others drunkards just coz they DISCOVERED A DRINK RESERVED FOR SPECIAL PEOPLE..my poison is tusker..and i can here it calling out my name.. but this  lady, as much as i adore and respect her is draaaaaggging on and on..(like she swallowed the energizer bunny).. watched the mayweather and mosley fight today…boy dont i love boxing…punches punches and more punching…oh, she finished talking…im out…..waiter!!!!!!!tusker……….>>>>>headache…….>>>totally rocks….kesho rugby and champions league….this will be fun…


…DEAR MR WALLET…

wrote this a while back……since then things have changed a bit….(things have changed since then….FOR THE BETTER)

Mr.JOHN..or should I use ua nickname GB?? My dear master..i cant take it anymore. This is tantamount to torture. I feel peeved and disgruntled by your perpetual disregard to my rights and wants.  I will refer to u as dish, with your permission of course.

It has come to my sad realisation that u have forsaken me. You no longer furnish me with the my crucial supply of young green bills. This,just in case u forgot, is my sole form of nourishment. I have become a laughingstock amongst my peers. I have grown thin and feeble. My once chunky stature is now a memory in the foggy past. I think of the days wen I used to bulge with notes. I had the bragging rights whenever I met with my peers in restaurant, bars and other social joints where we are unveiled and given the chance to outshine each other.

Remember the days in campus when u would treat all your boys to drinks…”waiter chafua meza, andika bill” ..when one certain beauty would get numerous dates and treats at cool restaurants…the frequency of those outings have reduced.   Sir, I think something is wrong. Why have u forsaken me?

GB sir, it has come to my sad realisation that you are an avid consumer of mobile credit. That too has felt the wrath of your mean ways.  You have turned to the now popular club 20 that minimises your daily zain consumption to 20sh per day..hmm. safaricom is for surfing and facebooking all the time.

I already know the word that will be outstanding in your mitigation…RECESSION..what kind of vegetable is that? Or is it some kind of animal?? In my world, I have never heard of it and quite frankly I care less. This is just another gimmick that the Americans have pulled on you guys. Its been fed into your system and you have accepted it as a way of life. Some of you even joke about it..”ati wallet imekataa session imeenda recession mode”

My dear friend..i have a few notifications and threats that my friends and I have come up with..

We will not sit down and take this with our flaps folded flat. We demand our rights. We don’t care what you have to do to make us happy..but sir, make me happy!!!!!!

I am tired of looking like an accident waiting to happen. I  need to look healthy and reclaim my position in the family. I lost my spot and I need it back ASAP!!!!!

You better inform your friends and those of your behaviour to shape up or ship out. We will not take this anymore.

I had a message from another friend of mine called Mr. Wardrobe…..i will spare you the contents of that letter so as to keep your  reputation intact. But if you continue with this dispeakable behaviour I will be forced to expose its contents. Please don’t be hurt by this message. I know it was unexpected but believe me its time was ripe…

Sincerely yours.. MR. WALLET


…THE BATTLE OF COLORS…RED WINE VS GREEN GRASS..

Kenyans are a seemingly forgetful nation. We seem to suffer from a highly specialised strain of selective amnesia. “Hot” issues have a very short half life just like “songs” churned out our celebs. One day a certain event is ever on everybody’s lips, you blink, and it’s suddenly dead in the water. I am Kenyan by the way. The State refers to me as individual 24126346.
A while back the kettle brought to boil was the Mau forest issue. Akin to how we forget yesterday’s 4pm news bulletin, the issue has gone albeit silent, resurfacing every few weeks.
What else other than amnesia can explain burying of Father Kizito’s molestation allegations or the scandal on imported unfit maize?
However, having said that, I will flip the script. Kenyans can persist with on some matters; sucking all the life from it in the process. The subject on our country’s “clamour for a new constitution” is the supposed monkey on our backs that just won’t get off.
A few days ago, some fellows kept walking in and out of a room, traded accusations, mentioned “common mwananchi” severally and when they tired, gave a resounding YES verdict to the draft law.
With everything in place for a referendum dissenting views are now doing rounds. Church leaders are advising their followers to shun the document as they do evil. Politicians with a twisted belief that they are sole custodians of the earth’s wisdom are threatening to “rally their people” to either sink or support the document.
Why can’t I, the so called “common citizen” be allowed to flex my “common” brain and conclude if the abortion clause indeed legalises the practice. Based on consumption of daily informative interviews on television, opinion pieces on our papers, bar debates and reading the revised proposed draft in painful detail, I will not be coerced into a bandwagon decision.
Religious groups, political affiliations and other prejudices should not be allowed to void our ability to make independent informed decisions. Their duty ends at advice.
With that point safely in the bag, I will swiftly move on to the next – the relevance of registering as a voter and subsequent voting. Though our past elections have not resulted in much, the fact that I know what I am voting (fighting) for, as long as my hope and vision are intact, I will repeatedly blot my fingers purple.
Politics is a not a succumbing servant, on the contrary it is rogue. Some persons would care less if a herd of wildebeests invaded Parliament and took over policy-making(it wouldn’t make much difference anyway). For those who do not care about politics, failure to vote will not exempt you from taxes nor will it make you less affected by the proposed Government structure.
Your only chance of taming this errant servant is through the ballot. The change may not be substantial but at least it will check him. Error of omission in my books is a lesser evil. Abstaining from voting does not help the situation, voting just MIGHT.
To those saying they will only vote in the upcoming referendum and sleeps in on Election Day are just taking us down hypocrisy highway. To them I submit; why jump in the pool and attempt to keep your hands dry. To those who have made their choice, registered as voters, I will not waste words preaching to the converted; let us meet at the ballot.